R-0004: How not to raise the second child

I was the dumb child of the Family. This is not to say that I am unintelligent: I have succeeded in undergraduate and graduate school, am a published author, and have been recognised by multiple governments as a "global talent" while immigrating. If Agnes were piecing together this file, she would likely hold up my success as a "Christian homeschooling success story," and other members of that community would agree with her. But, this is not Agnes' file. It's mine. 

Until when I turned 14, the bright and shining star of the Family was Isaac, whose status as "the eldest son" combined with their genuine intelligence, curiosity, and easy-going temperament to create the perfect golden child of the Family.¹ ² While I certainly had personalised activities in the form of ballet ³, soccer, and music, I was acutely aware of being the Second Child.

Isaac appeared to progress through their education at such an accelerated rate that they received special attention from Agnes and James. If I had to guess, Isaac's intellectual prowess was likely one of the catalysts that would cause our parents to implement the fundamental structure of homeschooling that we both would endure on our own.⁴ One of my strongest impressions of childhood is the view of Isaac being hovered over by one or both of our parents: at the kitchen table, at the computer, at the piano. From waking to sleeping, until they went away to university, and when they came back, Isaac's days were jealously guarded and regimented behind a veil of secrecy. 

Sometimes Isaac would try to teach me some of the complicated maths they learned from James when Agnes was keeping me cloistered in another part of the house: when I didn't catch the idea quickly enough, Isaac would sometimes become frustrated, and one of our parents would tear me away from the table.  I still remember what my mother said on one such occasion, in the voice she used on our dog when it misbehaved. 

Jezebel! This isn't for you!

Even when Isaac began their fall from grace as the Golden Child, following what I can only describe as an epic, "gifted child" burnout, my parents would still hold up Isaac as the impossible standard I wouldn't attain. It's weird to be both the "easy child we never had to worry about" as well as the "unlikely success story" of the Family. 

In hindsight, the tidbits I gleaned from Isaac's lessons were accelerated for my age and developmental stage. There is no objective basis for the feeling of inadequacy that I developed related to my academics. And yet, even entering my M.Sc., and later my Ph.D., I have always felt that somehow, it should be Ishmael in my place. 

It's such a shame, how Ishmael turned out. But at least we know we did right with you. 

¹ Despite their former status as the Golden Child, Ishmael and I do not have an antagonistic relationship with each other. The unique isolation we each experienced within the Family prevented us from finding real solidarity until we were both adults, but despite this, we eventually found the familiarity that was generally denied us growing up. 

² The size of the Family, both as an independent subject and in comparison to those around us, is a record or record(s) for a future point. 

³ A topic likely to spawn an entire series of records

⁴ The fact that Ishmael and I could have been raised by the same parents within the same decade and yet have had two completely different childhoods remains a puzzle to solve. 

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